So I went to see 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day… it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In honor of Hollywood’s finest Twilight-knockoff and in honor of having nothing to do on a snow day (woohoo!), I will provide my 50 thoughts on 50 shades:
1. Fringe bangs are SO 2012.
2. Is Mr. Grey’s secretary the chick from My Name is Earl?
See??? It’s uncanny.
3. Grey Enterprises seems to be a cloning facility and all of the clones work as his assistants.
4. People were mad about this guy being Mr. Grey? HOW? WHY?
5. Yep, he’s the most attractive person in the world.
6. Why do movies like these always give the main character a super blunt, feisty sidekick? It’s like “sorry for having such a boring hero! Here’s her much more interesting and fun friend!”
7. Real roommates don’t kiss each other on the forehead when they’re sick.
8. Especially when they have the flu.
9. Apparently, stalking a girl you like is okay if you’re super rich and insanely attractive. Good thing I already knew this because Twilight.
10. “Wanna have dinner? JK SIKE WANT TO SIGN A CREEPY CONTRACT?”
11. If I were Ana, I’d go for the driver. He seems much more normal…
12. This just IS Twilight.
13. They even used the same woods as Twilight!
14. Except Christian Grey is creepy because he’s a sadist, not because he’s a vampire. (Or maybe he is a vampire… what a fun plot twist)
15. Also the creepy way he said “I know what it’s like to be hungry” at her graduation ceremony (inappropriate timing, by the way).
16. Ana has more spunk than Bella Swan, I’ll give her that.
17. Ana even bites her lip like Bella Swan! THIS IS SO BLATANT!
“I’d like to bite that lip.” FOR THE LOVE, CHRISTIAN.
18. Christian Grey plays the piano. Ya know who else plays the piano? EDWARD CULLEN.
19. Here’s my real question: why didn’t she just leave when he showed her his creepy sex room???
20-40. OMG I feel so uncomfortable but everyone would notice if I got up and left so I guess I have to suffer through it OMG OMG
41. Can I look again…?
43. “Ugh, she didn’t sign my contract so I guess I’ll have to SHOW UP IN HER ROOM UNANNOUNCED.” – Christian
44. Oh and now I’ll just show up at her mom’s house unannounced!!!
45. (Did I mention that Ana’s mom lives in Savannah, Georgia? Why not just put her down the street from Bella’s mom in Florida?)
46. There used to be a plot… where’d it go?
47. What happened to that nice boy in the hardware store????
48. The moral of this story: if you’re hot, people aren’t going to judge you for being full-blown Criminal Minds creepy.
49. Wait… that’s the end?? Now we’re ALL DEPRESSED.
50. I’m mostly depressed because I know that there are two more movies after this. Why not just stop while you’re ahead? I’m gonna choose to believe that the story ends here and that Ana finds a nice boy at an independent bookstore and they get married and live happily ever after with their Anthro-wearing babies.
Basically what I’m trying to say is you probably shouldn’t pay money for this movie. If someone lets you borrow their DVD or if it’s on Netflix, have at it! But definitely don’t pay money for it.
(Inspired by an amazing Buzzfeed post.)