Don’t Put Me Down For Cardio

aerobics

Every workout class has its fair share of characters. The huge guys in muscle tees, the prissy girls in LuluLemon, the people who only do things full-out when the teacher is watching…

Okay, so that last one was me. But you see my point.

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I recently joined an amazing program called Class Pass, which gives you kinda-unlimited classes at lots of fitness centers and studios around the city. I love Class Pass because a) I never played sports so I don’t know how to exercise on my own and b) I need someone to yell at me while I’m working out because I don’t have any willpower.

Please note: It probably sounds sexist of me to only talk about women in my classes — but let’s be honest, I take really girly classes.

The Self-Seducer

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Where she stands: Front row center

What she wears: I WOKE UP LIKE THIS tank, funky leggings (she probably refers to them as her “LuLus”), hair down (I can’t even with that) or top-knotted

What she does: Seduces herself in the mirror all class. It doesn’t matter if everyone else thinks she looks like an idiot because she thinks she looks hot. I assume that she’s also the type of person who instagrams pictures of herself half-naked with captions like, “I don’t normally post pictures like this, but I lost 3 pounds and I’ve never felt better about myself! #confidence #fit #legday #selflove #IamBae”

How I feel about her: 50% disdain, 50% respect. Liiiiike you do you, girl. But also if you could do you a little over to the side instead of standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, that would be great.

The Workout Warrior

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Where she stands: Front row, off to the side. The warrior gets to class 10 minutes early to stretch, get that front-row spot, and maybe throw in a push-up or two

What she wears: Spandex shorts, tees with the sleeves cut so it looks cool/shows off your side abs, sporty headband, hair in pony-braid or tight bun, maybe one of those compression thingys (does anyone actually know what those things do??)

What she does: Full-body push-ups, chooses the 20-pound weights when everyone else has 3-pound, uses 3 steps when you’re supposed to use 2, squirts water into her mouth instead of drinking it like a normal human, uses words like “personal best” and “leg day,” probably eats 6 boiled eggs and Muscle Milk for every meal

How I feel about her: Annoyed. Some of us are just trying to get a lil workout, not audition for American Ninja Warrior.

The Teacher’s Pet

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Where she stands: Second row, off to the side

What she wears: Whatever the teacher is wearing. If the workout facility has swag, she’s wearing it. And I’m sorry, but everyone is judging your “out of the saddle” tank top.

What she does: Says things like “love this one!” and “let’s go ladies!” when her favorite songs come on. She and the instructor are bffs. She comes to class early and stays late so she can chat about the new routines or ask weirdly personal questions (“How’s Mike? OMG that is so Mike!!!”). If you’re new to the class, she leans over to you and says, “don’t worry, Shauna is a GREAT teacher!” Like… I wasn’t worried.

How I feel about her: She’s fine but could definitely benefit from a chill pill. It’s not like you’re getting graded on this (and thank god, too, unless there’s an A for effort in this hypothetical workout grading system)

The Way-In-The-Back Wild Card 

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Where she stands: Back row, obviously.

What she wears: Normal stuff. T-shirt, leggings, Nike shorts, etc.

What she does: It depends. She’s a wild card because you just never know what she’s gonna do. Some people stand on the back row because they want more room to rock out the routines. Others stand on the back row so they can take frequent water breaks. Still others hide back there so they can collapse on the floor instead of doing planks (and who can blame them?)

How I feel about her: I like her. She isn’t annoying or threatening and she will never block my view of the mirror

The Random Guy Who Clearly Didn’t Know What This Class Was When He Signed Up

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Where he stands: Back row. Like way back. Like against the wall.

What he wears: Shorts, t-shirt.

What he does: Not much. He certainly isn’t keeping up with the choreography or staying on beat, but he is diligently bopping around to whatever music is in his head.

How I feel about him: Sympathy. I think that how he feels in a dance cardio class is probably pretty similar to how I would feel in a sports class (practice? Meet? Tournament?). But really, it’s not that hard to predict which classes are going to be heavy on the Britney Spears. Anyway, props to him for not bailing during the Single Ladies remix.

You’re probably wondering which one of these characters I am. I like to think of myself as a exercise class free spirit. And by that I mean that if I’m good at whatever we’re doing, you can find me on the front row.

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But if I’m not, I’ll be on the second row glaring at the girl in front of me for blocking my mirror space.

Youre-so-lucky

Until next time, readers.

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