To quote Mindy Kaling, “I have virtually no hobbies except dieting.” I get really excited to start a cleanse or the Whole 30 or that diet where you only eat boiled eggs, and then that afternoon I get a giant cookie and blame it on my genetically weak willpower. I’m not a totally unhealthy person — I mean, I’ve gotten to the point where I exclusively refer to my boxing instructor as Bae and ClassPass as my very committed boyfriend — but I’ve never been able to really buckle down when it comes to my sweet tooth.
This morning while eating my cereal, I came to a conclusion I’ve come to at least 100 times in my life: I should do a Sugar Detox. But who’s to say that this won’t be just another one of my grand ideas that goes up in flames the minute I hear the word “chocolate?” No amount of planning, talking, or Google-doc-making has ever saved me from the inevitable free food binge that follows all of my grand detox ideas. (BTW green juice is disgusting liquid grass and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise)
That’s where you come in. By blogging about my progress, I’m killing two birds with one stone: finally writing a blog post that isn’t a listicle and pretending I’m being held accountable by the 20ish of you who will read this (even you, people who followed me because I met Matthew Gray Gubler).
Things I’m not eating: sweets, candy, white bread, the hot chocolate mix I usually put in my coffee, chocolate, pastries, everything worth living for…
I expect to finish the week-long challenge with flawless skin, zero sugar cravings, and Kayla Itsine’s abs.
11:30 am I go to fill up my water and stumble upon fresh, gourmet donuts up for grabs in the kitchen. This is going to be a loooooooog week.
1:30 pm I’m on the way out to get a sugar-free lunch when I spot the Hershey’s Miniatures at the reception desk. Did someone do this to sabotage me??? I mean, there are Krackle bars IN PLAIN SIGHT. I force myself to take deep breaths until the elevator finally comes.
2:30 pm I’m way too proud of myself for making it through 6 hours without eating sugar. I wonder how people who work in advertising ever avoid being morbidly obese with all this free food everywhere.
4:00 pm I decide to treat myself to a lil Starbucks. Turns out the only thing I can order there is plain coffee. Turns out I don’t really like plain coffee.
8:45 pm I realize that I can’t have my nightly piece of chocolate. I start to feel real cravings while making tea for dessert because DANGIT CHARLOTTE DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE MILANOS OUT IN THE OPEN. I eat a handful of cereal in a moment of weakness.
9:30 am Oh no. Ohhhh no. I forgot today was Friday, which means we have breakfast at work. AKA pastries on pastries. I panic and grab some grapes.
10:47 am Okay fine, I cave. There was a tiny piece of banana bread sitting out and it just isn’t a Friday without banana bread and bananas are healthy and idk I was hungry.
12:51 pm The Jolly Ranchers are back on the reception desk…
1:45 pm Maybe I should hoard some Jolly Ranchers for next week.
3:31 pm I hear whispers in the agency: cupcakes in the kitchen.
3:32 pm Don’t mind me, just sitting at my desk holding back tears.
3:39 pm The cupcakes are STILL THERE. It’s fine I’ll just drink my water and do my work and IT’S FINE.
9:45 am Snow day! Aka a long time to be locked up in my apartment without being able to eat sweets.
11:01 am We decide to make the gingerbread house we bought before Christmas.
11:03 am I realize how hard it is to make a gingerbread house without eating the candy.
2:53 pm Howie Day once said, “you always want what you can’t have.” I want a large hot chocolate and some cookie dough.
4:54 pm I cave and eat a gumdrop. It’s not even a little bit worth it.
1:12 pm Looking stuff up to find out if it has sugar is #exhausting and depressing.
4:34 pm I’m whining about not being able to eat chocolate when a Reese’s commercial comes on. THIS IS WHY AMERICANS ARE OBESE.
1:18 pm There are Reese’s at the reception desk. See above video for more details.
2:07 pm I walk by a display of giant Reese’s Pieces cookies (there’s a theme here) and I don’t even whimper. Not even in my head. Am I cured????
8:42 pm Charlotte more than makes up for The Milano Incident by bringing me Skinny Pop to eat during the Bachelor. I don’t even think about the Hershey’s Kisses she and Sallie are eating because I’ve got my other bae, Skinny Pop, to comfort me.
1:32 pm THE END IS NEAR! Don’t mind me, just googling the sugar content of my usual lunch options. But like why does a Subway sub have 7 grams of sugar??
3:46 pm I realize that I could technically give up whenever I want. I’m the only person who actually cares if I succeed with this detox, but somehow I still want to finish it. Is this what self-discipline feels like??
4:38 pm I think a little too much about how the end is near so I have to go get an Ice to soothe my cravings.
10:13 pm I have a terrible headache which is probably from being dehydrated post-hot yoga but I’m going to say it’s sugar withdrawal for *~*dramatic effect.*~*
1:54 pm LAST DAY LAST DAY! Not gonna lie, this hasn’t actually been that bad. Like I’m definitely not swearing off sugar for the rest of my life, but it’s shockingly not the end of the world to have to turn down a piece of chocolate every now and then.
3:40 pm But don’t get me wrong, I’m def planning out my next move…
If I’m being perfectly honest, this week wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I feel like I gained a better understanding of how addictive sugar really is (I know, Mom, you’re always right!!). But the weirdest thing of all is that I don’t even want that giant milkshake right now.
I mean, if someone wants to buy me one, I’m definitely not going to say no… because some things do taste as good as skinny feels.