“To be continued…”
Low blow, ABC. You’re just going to leave us with Jojo sobbing on an airplane runway? She is clearly unable to make up her mind at this point. It’s probably because she’s left with 4 such charming winners that she couldn’t possibly choose just one!
Honestly, I think JoJo would be better off on Tinder at this point. Since she’s clearly just evaluating the boyz based on hair height (1. Jordan 2. Luke 3. Robby 4. Chase) and/or level of sports ability (1. Jordan 2. Luke 3. Robby 4. Chase), I’m going to do our girl Joelle a solid and rank the boys on what really matters: their LinkedIn profiles.
Because in 5 years when the televised wedding money dries up (probably due to excessive use of hair gel, expensive steroids, and/or copious amounts of Botox if she ends up with Luke), what’s really going to matter? How well they played college football? How slowly they talk? How adamantly they deny any wrongdoing in past relationships?
No, what’s really going to matter is how well they can NETWORK!
The definitive ranking of JoJo’s lovers based on their LinkedIn profiles:
Let me preface this by saying that I really don’t like Robby. Every time he opens his mouth (or takes a step in a monogrammed loafer) I want to punch him. And he totally left his girlfriend to go on the show. Also I feel like he always sort of looks a little bit high, but maybe JoJo’s into that (see: Luke).
I didn’t even read Robby’s profile before deciding that he gets last place because his picture is absolutely offensive.
Like, what could you possibly be laughing about in this elementary-school-picture-day-style professional photoshoot setting? And is that a flower on your lapel? Did you sneak out of prom to take this picture? The one thing I love about this photo is that one tiny hair that’s sticking up out of the top of his shark fin. Just knowing that he probably cries over this flaw every time he goes to network makes me like really, really happy. If that tiny Alfalfa hair isn’t karma for being a huge tool, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, he went to Florida State and has had some real jobs since, so that’s all well and good for him. But here’s the real question: what exactly is a “Chief Intern?” And do we think that other people recognized him as the Chief Intern, or was this more of a self-nominated title? More importantly, should I go back to my old internships and label myself as the Chief Intern?
Last place on LinkedIn, last place in my heart.
Luke might be higher up on this list, but he has committed the cardinal sin – not really having a real job even a little bit. On LinkedIn, he’s using the job title “Business Owner” at the company “Entrepreneur.” Could you be any less specific? First of all, those are both job titles. Second of all, what exactly are you Entrepreneuring? Have you submitted your ideas to Shark Tank? Are you trying to find investors? I’m gonna need to see some work ethic.
But don’t worry, Luke is an Entrepreneur in the field of Music. That seems like the perfect job for a guy who has experience in oil drilling and professional coaching, right?!
To be fair, Luke seems to have been pretty successful in the U.S. Army several years ago. And he went to West Point, so that’s legit. I also learned that Luke speaks Spanish, but he didn’t specify if he actually speaks Spanish or if he just “speaks Spanish.” Because like I “speak Spanish” according to LinkedIn but nobody’s endorsing me for that skill (if ya know what I mean). Not even the strangers who endorse me for stuff all the time…
Luke’s real career title should be Real Life Nicholas Sparks Character. Or just Veteran Who Lives On A Farm. After the way America reacted to him riding a horse, I think people would be into that.
Haven’t we already seen this movie?
Chase’s LinkedIn profile is by far the best. He’s rapidly progressed in the medical sales field (which is, of course, just a feeder profession into the Bachelor) and he describes each job with some excellent action verbs. Nice work, Chase!
Most importantly, Chase was a firefighter in 2009! That’s very cool and manly of him. I bet JoJo loves that. And while he was a firefighter, he “appreciated long hours and hard work.” I don’t believe that even a little bit (especially since he took off 3 months from his actual career to go on humiliating group dates with a girl he’d never met), but if he is being honest, I’m all for that work ethic. Chase seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t mind holding JoJo’s bag for her while she shops, exercises, and/or practices for Dancing With the Stars.
I also have this theory that he’s secretly really funny and just prefers to keep it to himself. He has Resting Smirk Face (other examples of RSF include Harry Styles, Ryan Reynolds, and Ron Swanson).
So Jordan doesn’t have a LinkedIn, which is probably because his former career is NFL Football Player and Estranged Brother of Aaron Rodgers. What he does have, however, is even better: a detailed Wikipedia page.
Here’s what I learned: Jordan is smart, athletic, and……………………………….
Yeah, I know. Best news you’ve heard all day, right?
Exhibit A: his Wikipedia page
“…he started as quarterback… while also participating in basketball, track and musical theater.” So yeah, he’s the real life Troy Bolton. His head’s in the game..
Exhibit B: Pitch Perfect 2
Jordan appeared as a member of the Green Bay Packers a cappella group in Pitch Perfect 2. I took to YouTube to make sure this wasn’t a classic case of Wikipedia Is Not Reliable At All So Don’t Cite It As A Source On Your School Paper, and there he was – swoopy hair and all.
I think Little J has forgotten to mention his SINGING CAREER, which is actually insane because knowing he’s a thespian makes him so much more interesting to me. But I think JoJo and I have very different types (namely, Chads), so maybe it’s a good thing that Jordan has left that part out. He really is a spicy boy, isn’t he?
Plus, Jordan has an actual job waiting for him when he’s done finding love. He’s been hired as an announcer or commentator on the SEC Network, which might mean that I’m about to start watching sports!
Honorable Mention: Wells
And because JoJo has terrible taste in men and let the only interesting one go weeks ago, I’m going to give an Honorable Mention to Wells. He has a typo on his LinkedIn page, but I’m going to look past that because of this amazing video:
(Wells, if you’re reading this, I hope you didn’t find love on Bachelor in Paradise so you can find love with me.)
See y’all at The Men Tell All.